The past year has been an extreme emotional roller coaster for me! A year ago, my marriage practically fell apart. Nick & I were both focused more on other things and other people than we were each other until one day when "the crap hit the fan" and we realized something had to be done. We were faced with a huge decision that day.......give up trying and divorce or work our butts off to save our marriage.....obviously we chose the 2nd option. We agreed that we didn't get married to give up when things got tough and we especially weren't going to go against God's will for our lives. We immediately started counseling with our pastor and then with a marriage counselor. I'm not gonna lie.....it was gut wrenching work at times...but through the course of counseling, reading God's word daily, and constant prayer, we made it through! This past summer, on August 2nd, Nick & I renewed our vows. This was a very special time not only because of the commitment we were making to each other but the commitment we were also making to Neela.
During this time, I also lost some friends. Rumors were started about me and I became unwelcome in many places. I can honestly say that I had never felt more shunned in all of my life. I know that I made mistakes and with the help and advice of our marriage counselor and pastor, I worked through my issues and realized that as long as I had sincerely apologized and forgiven them as well as myself, God was pleased. Now don't think for a moment that any of it was easy.....apologizing or forgiving (especially myself)....but it was what God required of me. With time, I began receiving messages of forgiveness from some of the people I had pushed away. I didn't expect the friendships to be anything like what they were before, I was just ecstatic to know I had been forgiven!
Today was another hard day for me but not because of problems in our marriage. I am now teaching Kindergarten at an awesome elementary school and have had to adjust a lot to not only teaching younger students but teaching them so that they meet the common core standards. Today, all of the kindergarten teachers went to a math meeting and to say that I was overwhelmed is an understatement.....pretty much any math meeting stresses me out! Lol! During the meeting, I was evaluating what I have been teaching and what I need to change and incorporate in order for my students to have success and I started feeling very defeated. All too often I feel that I am not enough.....that my students are going to fail because I am not enough for them. So I came home from school very depressed. After praying and reading some of the verses I have highlighted in my Bible, I began to feel much better until I was hit in the face with another dose of reality......I care deeply for those whom I consider to be my friends but that doesn't mean I am going to get the same care in return. Please don't think that I become friends with people because of what they can do for me.....that is not the case at all. I love people for who they are and always make myself available to help or give support in any way I can.......and then, at times, I am told these dreaded words "I'm just too busy." Those words break my heart. I completely understand what it means to be busy.....if I am not spending time with Nick or raising/spending time with Neela, I am either working on things for my classroom or serving at church. I do my best to keep it all balanced but if I have a friend in need....if they need to talk because they are depressed or just want to talk about something exciting going on in their life, I do what I can to make sure I am there for them and that does not mean that I neglect my family by any means.
I know this sounds stupid or even childish to many, but its who I am. I do not appreciate being lied to or ignored and do everything I can not to lie to or ignore anyone because its just plain rude. I have been struggling all night with how to deal with all of these emotions. I didn't want to cry in front of Neela because then it makes her sad and I dread the day she has to start dealing with these same issues. Its easy to say that I am not going to let it bother me but if you know me...the real me.....you know that can't be done. I have been praying and reading my Bible to find answers to how to overcome this but its not something I can do alone. Thankfully, I know that Nick prays for me daily and for specific needs that I have and I know he will do whatever it takes to help me get through this.....but it still hurts like heck! I know this is part of life but I honestly never thought I would be dealing with this stuff at the age of 31. I am sharing this because I know I am not the only one that has felt inferior or unwanted. Its been my experience that when I know I am not the only one dealing with something, it gives new perspective and helps me to realize that it will be ok. Here are some verses & quotes that are helping me get through all of this.
"Jesus replied, You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." - John 13:7
"In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world!" - John 16:33
"But the Lord stood with me and gave me strength!" - 2 Timothy 4:17
I hope you all know how much I love and appreciate you! I didn't write this for a pity party but to give encouragement. With your focus on God, there is nothing you can't get through!
Love you all!
Natalie
