Free to be me.....

As stated in a previous blog, my new years resolution is to become more confident in myself. What I have found, however, is that in order to do this, I have to come to terms with the real me. I have a lot of "titles" that I am known by....Coach Vaughn's wife, Amy's big sister, JB's little sister, Jeff & Susan's daughter, _____'s teacher, Neela's Mom.... and I love everyone of them. I know how blessed I am to have these but all of these "titles" don't describe the complete me. Looking inward at who I am and how I function is a very frustrating thing sometimes. There are some who claim to know the complete me and yet when I do or say something, it makes them run. Well I have come to a point where I am tired of trying to make myself do or say certain things to please others and not "rock the boat."

So here it is....are you ready for this?

Jesus is my Lord and Savior. I know that he is always in charge and is always there when I need him. I know I don't spend enough one-on-one time with him nor do I turn to him first in situations but these are both things I am working hard on. Some people call me a goody-goody because I don't dress a certain way, watch certain movies or TV shows, or even participate in some activities and if that is what a goody-goody is then yes, I am just that.

I am extremely blunt and to the point when it comes to my expresing my feelings about things. If someone is taking advantage, I'm gonna call them out on it. If I think something is stupid, I'm going to say "that is stupid." In my opinion, if you don't want to be called a jerk or a witch, then don't act like one.

I am passionate about my family. If you cross one of them, watch out cause here I come swinging. People may say "its not your problem" but when you hurt someone I love, it becomes my problem.

I despise dishonesty.......i'd rather be punched in the face than lied to.

I am extremely emotional. I do wear my feelings on my sleeve and I do cry alot. One of my stress relievers is to just sit down and have a good cry.

When I have a problem, 95% of the time I just want someone to listen...not fix my problem.

I struggle with anxiety/panic on a daily basis. I wish this was something I could just take a pill for and it would go away but it doesn't work that way. All I can do is take it one day at a time and do the best with what I've been given. I try and use my experiences to help others get through their struggles if possible.

I love to sing and I am extremely honored when asked to sing, either with a group or on my own. I know I'm not the best but I do give it my best.

As pathetic as it makes me sound, I do long to have friends. I don't handle lonliness very well which is why I get frustrated when Nick has to work alot because he and Neela are all I have in this town. I want someone, who isn't related to me, to actually care about how my day was or if everything is going ok. We have been living in El Dorado for 5 years now and I still have not found where I "fit."

I am not stuck-up. I have been told that when I am thinking about something I look mad and when I don't make up small talk, it seems as though I think  I am better than others. This is truthfully not the case at all. I am not one for making small talk. If I have something to say, I will say it. Otherwise, I am truly happy just listening.

I love to laugh and just be silly. I have a very corny sense of humor and find humor is small things. Maybe this is why I love being around small children....they enjoy being silly too :)

So there you go....there is a glimpse into what I have realized about who I really am. Why did I write all of this? Because I want people to know the truth. I am tired of being something I'm not. I do my best to treat people fairly and expect the same in return. I want friends but only if they accept the true me....not because of one of my "titles."

So until next time, be true to who you are!
Natalie

The new year....

I usually dont make New Year's resolutions because like most people, I don't follow through. But this year I did. I want to work really hard on becoming a more confident person. This is something that I constantly work on with Neela because I don't want her to ever think she needs to compare herself to others or worry about what they think.

My journey on the confidence train has been a lot harder than I thought it would be. I still find myself doubting my abilities and everything else about me. I know it is still January but i'm not getting off to a great start. I still get upset when i am treated like crap instead of just realizing if they don't want to be in my life, i don't want them to be either. So why do I care?? I get so stinkin frustrated with myself for caring so dang much.

I do have a question though: Why do people think it is ok to use other people? I mean they will talk to you till they are blue in the face but only when it is about themselves....they don't want to have to hear your struggles. And when you ask them about it, they start to ignore you completely. Then I start to wonder if I was wrong to confront them and what I did to make them not want to be around me. So once again, why do I care?

I guess I will stop ranting now.

Till next time,
Natalie

Happy, Happy Day!

On January 3, 2004, Nick and I began our lives together as husband & wife. He is truly my best friend! I heard an older song on the radio the other day that really reminds me of him! The words are "he thinks i'm pretty, he thinks i'm smart...he likes my nerve and he loves my heart!" This is so true! When I feel (and act) like a psycho crazy lady, he loves me anyway. When I am down on myself about what I don't know, he reminds me of what I do. When I have "fat & ugly days", he tells me i'm beautiful! These are just a few of the reasons why I love him so much. I know for a fact that God chose him for me because he knew he would be exactly what I need!

It has only been 8 years but it feels like forever (and I mean that in a good way!). I feel like I have known Nick my entire life. He has been there for me and with me through a lot of "firsts."  He was there when I was first diagnosed with Panic & Anxiety disorder and instead of allowing me to be upset about it, he was there to talk me through. He was there to encourage me when I went on my first job interview and then again when I started my first day of teaching. He has also been there for my first time to fly, my first misson trip out of the country, my first surgery, and of course my first time to ever become a Mommy! All of these "firsts" were huge milestones in my life and that is why it feels like I have known him for so long.

So enough of the mushy stuff....here are some pics of our wedding day!

I hope you have enjoyed traveling back in time with me! I pray that everyone is blessed with a spouse that loves you and appreciates you for who you are!

Natalie