Why?!?

All day long, I have been asking myself "Why is it so hard for me to just let go? Why am I so hard on myself?" And truthfully, I still have no answer. I have started this new path in my life of saying "NO" and it is killing me. I have resigned as the vice president of my schools education association and today I decided I am going to quit grad school because I just don't have the time to commit to courses. I just don't understand why I have so much trouble seeing that I already do so much and it drives me insane!

I teach full-time, I am a mother to Neela and not only a wife but a football coaches wife which means I do everything for Neela right now and constantly miss my husband. I am still involved with choir and praise team at church as well as listening to kids say their verses for awanas and helping with children's choir. This is still more than enough, right? Right? So why can't I convince myself of this? WHY!?!?!?  Why do I feel like I need to be doing more when I know it is going to cause health problems. I'm just very frustrated with this process and feel like a quitter. Ugh.

Please pray for me!
Natalie

I have problems. I have issues.

“I have problems. I have issues. I want and need help with these problems and issues.”

Being able to say those words is something that took a lot of work. I have had many people comment on my blog and say that they don’t know how I am able to put myself and my true feelings out into the world for everyone to read. The only answer I have to that is I am not ashamed of who I am and how I feel. I am an extremely imperfect human being. If anything I am struggling with or have struggled with can help someone else, they I am open to talk about anything and everything. (This too took a lot of personal work to be able to say!)

I don’t care that people know my secrets. I don’t care that people know I have insecurities. Everyone has them whether they want to admit them or not. By writing about them, I am able to think deeper about the “mess” I am in  at that particular moment and think clearer about solutions. So here I am again. Discussing the current issues I am facing and hoping that people don’t see it as whining.

I have struggled my entire life with wanting people to like me and include me. I have tried and tried to get over this infatuation, but just can’t seem to and it really bothers me that I can’t. There are people who are very obvious about the fact that they could care less about what is going on with me or my family. There are people who purposely leave me out of things. (I know this because I have been told to my face.) What bothers me the most is that I have no clue why they feel this way towards me. I have done everything I know to do to resolve issues such as meeting face to face with them and confronting the issue in a calm manner and at the time I thought things would change, but they never did.

 I will be the first person to tell anyone and everyone that “I have problems. I have issues. I AM NOT PERFECT.” I have actually been told to my face several times “you have issues” and I wanted to look at them and say “really? I never noticed!” I try to do what I feel is right. I pray daily begging God to show me how to develop the strength to let go of issues. I don’t want to be a whiner that constantly goes on and on about not having friends but I know I am one. I don’t understand “clicks” of people who won’t let anyone else in and yet consider themselves Christians. I just don’t understand and as much as I pray for God to give me this understanding, it just seems like I’m getting nowhere. 

I have started reading a book titled “Who Pulls Your Strings.” It is about how to break free from being manipulated whether people realize they are manipulating you or not. It doesn’t bash people who do manipulate but it does help people like me who struggle with caring what other people think about them. I am hoping this book, along with daily prayer and talks with God, will help me to become stronger in my own self and be able to look past these issues. By allowing others to upset me, I am allowing others to manipulate me. No one can decide how I am going to feel except me unless I let them. And I don’t want to let them anymore.

So where do I go from here? Well, like I said I will continue to search for resources, books-counselors-mentors, to help me build my own self-esteem. I will continue to reach out to my Heavenly Father to give me guidance. I will also do my best to change my focus from those who don’t want to be in my life to those who do. I know it will be a hard and painful process but God never promised that life would be easy. He actually promised that we would face trials. In my opinion, what sets Christians apart from non-Christians is how we handle those trials. 

I have been blessed with so much in my life. As a little girl, I had dreams of what life would be like when I grew up and I can actually say my dreams have come true. I have my prince in Nick. He treats me like a princess and does everything possible to take care of me financially but most important is emotionally. I am a teacher. I get to work with young children on a daily basis and hopefully impact their lives in a positive way. I am a mother to the most precious little girl I have ever seen in my entire life (and yes, I know I am a little bias!). Neela Kate Vaughn is what I have always hoped for in a daughter and the reason that I was so infatuated with learning how to take care of babies since I was a little girl. I am a member of a wonderful church family and absolutely love that I am able to sing in the choir and praise team!  These are just A FEW of the blessings I have received in my lifetime so far. I haven’t even begun to mention my immediate and extended family and friends!

     

So why write this blog? Why put my “business” out there for everyone to read and comment to their friends about? 2 reasons: 1. There is someone who is going to read this who is going through the exact same problem at this point in their life and they need to know that they aren’t alone. 2. I am who I am and as much as some people obviously don’t like it, I’m not willing to change my core values of honesty and trust. I will not become cold-hearted and shut everyone out. I will continue to open myself up to people. If that means it ends up slapping me in the face, then so be it. Each time makes me stronger. 

I ask that you remember me in your prayers as I work on this new challenge. It won’t be easy but I am ready.

Natalie

"Who's Your Daddy?"

As a teacher, I am reminded daily of just how blessed I am to have a father that I have such a close relationship with that I call him "Daddy."  When I say "Daddy", I don't mean a man who is biologically my father. I mean a man who is my father but also who I have a very close relationship with. This blog is all about the awesomeness of my Daddy and my husband, who is definitely a Daddy to our little girl.

During a youth camp one summer, the pastor would tell stories about his daughter who was 4 at that time. I will never forget when he told us of how someone told his daughter that she was beautiful and she said to them "I know. My Daddy tells me that all the time."  I remember thinking "Wow.....my Daddy is like that too!" I can't explain the bond between and daughter and her Daddy but it is one that cannot compare to any other. When my Daddy says he is proud of me, I get a sense of pride that is much more than any other award I could ever receive! To this day, my Daddy is the one I can go to for anything and I know without a doubt he will be there to help me in any way he can.

At my wedding

Sitting in Daddy's lap....my favorite place to be!

Cheering on the El Dorado Wildcats!

Football Banquet 2011

Walking me down the aisle

I am very excited to say that I married a man who is very much like my Daddy. I had always heard that a girl will marry someone like her father but never believed it until I met Nick. Nick is not only a wonderful husband but he is an awesome Daddy to our daughter, Neela Kate. Her eyes light up when she sees him and I can sense her excitement just like the excitement I have when I know I am going to get to see my Daddy. Nothing melts my heart more than to see the Nick & Neela together, whether it be playing in the floor, taking a nap, or just watching Mickey Mouse. He tells her how beautiful she is and how much he loves her on a daily basis!

Laughing together on the beach

being silly

supporting her Daddy at a football game

playtime after a game

Like I mentioned before, I know how blessed I am to have two men in my life that are awesome Daddys. I hear my students daily talk about how they don't know their dad or their dad doesn't live with them and it breaks my heart. I want so bad to bring them home with me because I know my family would reach out and show them what a true "Daddy" is supposed to be! So to all of you who have awesome Daddys, don't forget to let me them know just how awesome you think they are and how blessed you are to have them!