I have problems. I have issues.

“I have problems. I have issues. I want and need help with these problems and issues.”

Being able to say those words is something that took a lot of work. I have had many people comment on my blog and say that they don’t know how I am able to put myself and my true feelings out into the world for everyone to read. The only answer I have to that is I am not ashamed of who I am and how I feel. I am an extremely imperfect human being. If anything I am struggling with or have struggled with can help someone else, they I am open to talk about anything and everything. (This too took a lot of personal work to be able to say!)

I don’t care that people know my secrets. I don’t care that people know I have insecurities. Everyone has them whether they want to admit them or not. By writing about them, I am able to think deeper about the “mess” I am in  at that particular moment and think clearer about solutions. So here I am again. Discussing the current issues I am facing and hoping that people don’t see it as whining.

I have struggled my entire life with wanting people to like me and include me. I have tried and tried to get over this infatuation, but just can’t seem to and it really bothers me that I can’t. There are people who are very obvious about the fact that they could care less about what is going on with me or my family. There are people who purposely leave me out of things. (I know this because I have been told to my face.) What bothers me the most is that I have no clue why they feel this way towards me. I have done everything I know to do to resolve issues such as meeting face to face with them and confronting the issue in a calm manner and at the time I thought things would change, but they never did.

 I will be the first person to tell anyone and everyone that “I have problems. I have issues. I AM NOT PERFECT.” I have actually been told to my face several times “you have issues” and I wanted to look at them and say “really? I never noticed!” I try to do what I feel is right. I pray daily begging God to show me how to develop the strength to let go of issues. I don’t want to be a whiner that constantly goes on and on about not having friends but I know I am one. I don’t understand “clicks” of people who won’t let anyone else in and yet consider themselves Christians. I just don’t understand and as much as I pray for God to give me this understanding, it just seems like I’m getting nowhere. 

I have started reading a book titled “Who Pulls Your Strings.” It is about how to break free from being manipulated whether people realize they are manipulating you or not. It doesn’t bash people who do manipulate but it does help people like me who struggle with caring what other people think about them. I am hoping this book, along with daily prayer and talks with God, will help me to become stronger in my own self and be able to look past these issues. By allowing others to upset me, I am allowing others to manipulate me. No one can decide how I am going to feel except me unless I let them. And I don’t want to let them anymore.

So where do I go from here? Well, like I said I will continue to search for resources, books-counselors-mentors, to help me build my own self-esteem. I will continue to reach out to my Heavenly Father to give me guidance. I will also do my best to change my focus from those who don’t want to be in my life to those who do. I know it will be a hard and painful process but God never promised that life would be easy. He actually promised that we would face trials. In my opinion, what sets Christians apart from non-Christians is how we handle those trials. 

I have been blessed with so much in my life. As a little girl, I had dreams of what life would be like when I grew up and I can actually say my dreams have come true. I have my prince in Nick. He treats me like a princess and does everything possible to take care of me financially but most important is emotionally. I am a teacher. I get to work with young children on a daily basis and hopefully impact their lives in a positive way. I am a mother to the most precious little girl I have ever seen in my entire life (and yes, I know I am a little bias!). Neela Kate Vaughn is what I have always hoped for in a daughter and the reason that I was so infatuated with learning how to take care of babies since I was a little girl. I am a member of a wonderful church family and absolutely love that I am able to sing in the choir and praise team!  These are just A FEW of the blessings I have received in my lifetime so far. I haven’t even begun to mention my immediate and extended family and friends!

     

So why write this blog? Why put my “business” out there for everyone to read and comment to their friends about? 2 reasons: 1. There is someone who is going to read this who is going through the exact same problem at this point in their life and they need to know that they aren’t alone. 2. I am who I am and as much as some people obviously don’t like it, I’m not willing to change my core values of honesty and trust. I will not become cold-hearted and shut everyone out. I will continue to open myself up to people. If that means it ends up slapping me in the face, then so be it. Each time makes me stronger. 

I ask that you remember me in your prayers as I work on this new challenge. It won’t be easy but I am ready.

Natalie