It's not a game....

Well, I'm going through the big D and don't mean divorce or Dallas......I'm talking about Depression. If you have read previous blogs, you know about my struggle with panic and anxiety. I have never had an issue with depression until just recently and I tried to deny that it was happening to me. I just kept thinking to myself, you have no reason to be depressed. Just get happy and get over it. Well, I couldn't. And until I hit rock bottom, which was two days ago, I wasn't going to admit it.

Like I said, for the past couple of weeks, I would start to feel down but then tell myself that I had too many things to do to just be sad and sleep all the time. I have a husband that I need to be a wife to and a daughter that needs her Mommy. I have no reason to be depressed...I have a husband who loves me, a precious daughter, a job that allows me to provide for my family, and no illness. So I just kept denying the fact that something wasn't "right" with me and put on my "happy face." I did this so well that even Nick and my parents had no clue.

This past weekend things seemed to get out of my control. Saturday morning, I got up with Neela and took care of her and then asked Nick to watch her so I could go back to bed for a little bit. Then 2 1/2 hours after I woke up, Neela went down for her nap and so did I. That night, I had a huge "cry-fest" and then I went to bed early. Sunday morning, I couldn't bring myself to shower and get ready for church. Once again, I slept a little in the morning, went down with Neela for her nap, cried some more and went to bed early. Monday morning, I started having extreme depressive thoughts that were a wake-up call to me. I was absolutely terrified at what was going through my mind and knew that I had to admit I had a problem and get help ASAP. So I did. I called Nick and he was able to call and get me in to the Dr immediately.

After talking with my Dr and making a plan of how we are going to "attack" my depression, I did feel a little bit of hope. I told my family what was going on and they were all very supportive and wanted to know how they could help. My parents drove to El Dorado that night to take Neela and I out to dinner and that helped as well to keep me from being at home alone. Yesterday, seemed a little bit better but I don't know if it is the "placebo" affect of knowing that I am getting help or what.

I do know that this is going to be a day-to-day process. Just like with my panic and anxiety, there is no quick fix to depression. I'm not angry that this is happening to me, I just truly want to be happy again. I want to be the person that Nick married and the Mommy I know I can be to Neela. I am asking that you please add me to your prayer list if you have one and if you don't, then just say a prayer when you think about it. I know God is going to bring me through this like he does everything else but I also believe in the power of prayer. I need prayer warriors now more than ever.!

Love to you all!
Natalie